— Boundaried
Boundaried: The “not worth it” point is wherever you decide it is. You could drop the friendship now, if you want.
I’m not recommending that, just that you are free to do so. That’s how your side of the boundary equation works: She decides what’s okay for her, and you decide what’s okay for you.
If the two aren’t compatible, then each of you can adapt — for example, talking only about superficial things — or be patient, or give up.
Boundaries create a healthy relationship outline; how you color it in is up to the two of you.
This isn’t anything new. Calling it “boundaries” just gives it a newish name and clears up (supposedly) some of the points of confusion. And, maybe most important, it gives us a chance to talk about the fact that it’s not okay to keep push-push-pushing against someone’s comfort limits just to get what you want.
Readers’ thoughts:
· If the friend is only recently trying to set boundaries, they may be overcompensating as they’re getting used to it. I wouldn’t make any snap decisions if this is a good friend. In the meantime, you can always be open about your life — and build closeness that way.
· A good friend set strict boundaries in the aftermath of a hard divorce from a very abusive man-child. She later confided it was a necessary coping mechanism, to have full, unwavering agency after so many years being controlled. Over time, some of her boundaries have softened.
Dear Carolyn: What do you do when you know someone behaved really badly because they were stressed out? My mom made a recent gathering miserable because she thought she was dying. She had no basis to think this other than a doctor’s appointment for blood pressure medication.
There was a lot of damage done and things she said that can’t be taken back. I guess she figured if she was dying she could say them without living with the fallout?
My sister is ready to cut them off, my dad is threatening divorce, and while I understand doctors freak her out — through observation, not because she actually talks about her feelings — I am also ready to completely cut them out if she can’t even acknowledge the damage she did.
— Life After Not-Death
Life After Not-Death: She must have outdone herself, I’m sorry.
If I held the strings on this puppet show, she’d be in therapy STAT and the rest of you would lie low for a while. Since this answer is the only string I hold, I’ll urge you not to act in any way just yet. You don’t have to, right? You can cut ties a day/month/decade from now if that’s the right thing to do.
Our minds can break down and reshape problems for us as we focus on daily life, even as we sleep. So when in doubt and when you can, it can pay off to wait out big questions until your subconscious has done its thing.
To be clear, you’re not waiting on your mom to fix things. Given her problematic personality, in fact, therapy for you might help.