In her April 25 op-ed, “Lower the high cost of leaving an abuser,” Emily Nix, a labor economist and an assistant professor of finance and business economics at the University of Southern California Marshall School of Business, discussed research she conducted with colleagues in Britain and Finland on the economic aspects of domestic violence that found a link between financial control and abuse.
Data from the study suggested “that, at least for some couples, economic abuse laid the groundwork for physical violence by making victims more dependent on their abusers,” Nix wrote.
Readers, in more than 1,500 comments on the op-ed, talked about their own experiences with domestic violence and financial abuse. Here is a sampling. Comments have been edited for style, clarity and brevity.
Display_Name_Blank: Grateful for this article. But, to be clear, advocates (many of whom are survivors themselves) have known this for a very long time and have been shouting it into what has felt like a void. Please don’t lump advocates in with “experts” and “policymakers” who might be slowly coming around on this when it’s the experts and policymakers who often dismiss advocates and survivors for years until we have the data to convince them we are worth believing and problems are worth tackling.
Leigh45: An abused woman can’t afford to stay in an abusive relationship. About 4,000 women are killed each year in the United States by an abusive partner.
DG in NYC: Beyond the issues of economic control and deprivation, the other primary statistic that explains why battered partners stay with their abuser is that the rate of violence and homicide escalates significantly while victims are attempting to leave or right after they have left. A victim’s survival instinct often takes over to de-escalate the violence and murderous threats, and the quickest way to de-escalate is to stay with or return to the abuser. For many victims of domestic violence (and every case is different), staying is ironically the safest option in the short term.
Bunny Mom in Detroit: I’m glad to see this quantified by researchers and then reported in a major outlet. When I volunteered at the women’s shelter in my tourist-destination town, we were specifically told never to assume a woman had money, no matter what address she gave. She could live in a mansion and have not a dollar to her own name.
Pat Horn: Even if the women have the means to support themselves, there is always a question in their minds of whether they can also support the children. Women will not often leave children behind with the abuser. This is so very complicated.
rmd in VA: True freedom starts with economic independence. When there is no economic independence, all other choices are limited. This is the base for everything else. And this is not something new.
joelcairo: Never give up financial independence. Once you do, you become at the mercy of other entities — be it a spouse, relatives, the government, charities, etc. Each one can be unreliable, and each one can become abusive.
retiredpsychphd: Read the novel “Black and Blue” by Anna Quindlen to get an exquisitely accurate picture of marital abuse and the traps set against women who want to leave. When I was still working, one of my “gigs” was providing therapeutic services to incarcerated women, some of whom were locked up for killing their abusive spouses. They all said they felt safer and more at peace in prison than they did living with their abusive spouses. If you have not walked in their shoes, you don’t understand the issue.
Barackthevote08: Older girls and young women need to be taught about the importance of independence so they are not reliant on a man. They should be taught about the pitfalls of going from school directly into a marriage. They should learn that money in a relationship equals power in most instances. They, quite frankly, should get educated and get a job before saddling themselves with a husband and kids.
Jean Rodham Sramek: Or, I don’t know, maybe boys and men could be educated about not abusing. Just a thought.
Bridget Cusick: It’s not a binary choice. Both should happen to be most effective.
winee: The bulk of services for survivors of domestic violence comes from small but dedicated nonprofits. Here in Oregon, there is a government grant of up to $1,200 for people leaving abusers. See how far that goes. And it’s only for people with children or who are pregnant. Otherwise you’re on your own. Until the lawmakers in Washington understand (and care), there will be no economic empowerment.
ca kw: The more that women are considered chattel, the less freedom they will have for themselves and their children. Truthfully, education can alter this dynamic, which gives women a means of support as well as pride.
Susan LaDuke: Sadly, education doesn’t guarantee financial freedom or the ability to escape domestic violence. I’ve worked with women who have master’s degrees and PhDs who were in marriages with abusive men yet for various reasons didn’t have the means to leave their abusers. Children are another factor that influences the ability to leave an abusive relationship.
Emily Waymire: Glad Ms. Nix brought this topic back to the surface. Many folks and families do not realize how financially difficult it is for a woman to break free from an abusive relationship. Even the legal system all too often keeps the scales of justice balanced heavily toward the abuser’s financial favor.
Woman Up: I’m sure financial dependence accounts for many victims. I happened to be the breadwinner but was scared to leave my children with him unattended. I could leave, but I then couldn’t shield my children and knew his anger would be redirected toward them. Unfortunately, in America, you have to have a lot of money for a good lawyer to achieve full custody, even with proof of abuse and especially in the South. All women of abuse feel trapped in some way. So please don’t judge any woman for staying. It’s not by choice. It’s never easy.
BlueIsland: Financial dependence kept me in a hateful, abusive relationship. And the depressing knowledge that women who divorce in the United States lose an average of 40 percent of their household income made leaving all that much harder. Guaranteeing women (and other victims of abuse) a financial stake is part of the solution. We also have to address divorce laws that, in too many states, further penalize the wife. Here in Tennessee, I’d been married long enough that my husband’s debts (and there were many) were my debts, too, by default. That and divorces are expensive, more so when one of the spouses refuses to cede control.
marvin_gardens: My ex was an economic abuser. Verbally supportive of my having a career but, by his behavior, not at all supportive. The sentence about undermining was very relevant. My ex would throw a fit if I had to study instead of pay attention to him, and he got on the phone with a prospective employer inappropriately. According to him, he was trying to protect me.
Flyfeather68: I never thought I would be in this situation. The first time was shocking, unexpected. I couldn’t process it. I was gaslighted. My mind shut it out to cope because things went back to normal for a while. Steadily, it got worse. It becomes your normal. It’s one of the most crazy experiences I ever had. I always considered myself a strong person. It has nothing to do with that. It’s a power/control thing that you try to survive. I got out.
Buck_Laughlin: Thank you to those who shared their stories.
In addition to the money, the emotional control and gaslighting are key. I have a large family, and we’ve had to come together to fund divorces and temporary housing when abuse has come to light. That’s why the most dangerous abusers split targets from their families. In any event, the abuse I’ve seen is mostly emotional, with targets in denial because “he hasn’t hit me.” Yet.
Abuse is far more common than the younger version of me ever imagined. Stand ready to support your daughters, sisters, friends, etc.
Jennie: People always ask “Why do women stay?” and not “Why do men abuse?” Why is the onus always on the woman to avoid getting abused, and not on the man to avoid abusing?
I know the answer. I’m just screaming into the void.
M Wolfe: As long as the conversation focuses on the survivor and not on the perpetrator, things will continue as they are. Change the station and address the real problem.